Someone I Know is Being Abused

Tips on how to help a friend who's in an abusive relationship

• Tell them it's not them fault. You can never make someone else hurt you.
• Tell them they don't deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt.
• Tell them they're not crazy. A person who's been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let them know these are normal feelings.
• Don't try to pretend that the abuse isn't happening, or that it isn't that bad. Let your friend know that you take it very seriously; pretending it's no big deal doesn't make it go away.
• Tell them good things about themselves. Let them know you think they're smart, strong, and brave. The abuser is tearing down their self-esteem.
• Try to help your friend break out of the isolation their abuser has put them in. Keep in contact with them on the phone or by going out with them.
• Don't spread gossip--it could put them in danger.
• Don't try to make them do anything they don't want to (it won't work unless it's their decision).
• Encourage them to build a wide support system-- go to a support group, talk to friends and family.
• Don't blame them for the abuse or their decisions; leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.
• See if they need medical attention--they may not realize the extent of their injuries.
• Give them good information about abuse--you can call your local crisis line and get information about the impact of abuse on them and their children.
• Tell them that domestic violence is a crime and they can call 911 for help. If it's not safe to call from home, help them find a  safe place.
• Help them develop a safety plan for the time they stay as well as the time when they leave.
• Listen. Let them express all their fears and feelings. Even giving them good advice in a kind and respectful manner can be received as pressure and/or a reminder of everything they is not doing "right."
• Give them time. They need time to make their own decisions. 
• Don't blame or attack the abuser. 
• Be patient. Their self-empowerment may take longer than you want. Go at the victim's pace, not yours.
• Ask them about the children. Encourage them to talk about the effect the abuse is having on them. Validate those concerns. 
• Don't give up. Let them know you will always be there for them when they may need help or just need someone to talk to.