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Domestic Violence

What is Domestic Violence?



Domestic violence can often escalate from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even death.  It can include emotional coercion, verbal threats and insults.  Isolation from friends and family, financial control, sexual force, even mockery of your spiritual beliefs.   These are all ways to establish power over you. There are all forms of abuse and no one deserves to be abused.  The abuser's tactics of apologies and loving gestures in between violent episodes make it extremely difficult to leave the situation. Abusers use tactics to make the victim believe no one else would want them and the abuser is the only one that can help them. Abusers are skilled at making the victim think things will change, that the abuse will discontinue, and they truly love the victim.  However, they choose to be abusive and staying in the situation creates real dangers for the victim.  

 



What about my Friend?

Tips on how to help a friend who's in an abusive relationship

  • Tell them it's not them fault. You can never make someone else hurt you.
  • Tell them they don't deserve it. No one ever deserves to be hurt.
  • Tell them they're not crazy. A person who's been abused often feels upset, depressed, confused, and scared. Let them know these are normal feelings.
  • Don't try to pretend that the abuse isn't happening, or that it isn't that bad. Let your friend know that you take it very seriously; pretending it's no big deal doesn't make it go away.
  • Tell them good things about themselves. Let them know you think they're smart, strong, and brave. The abuser is tearing down their self-esteem.
  • Try to help your friend break out of the isolation their abuser has put them in. Keep in contact with them on the phone or by going out with them.
  • Don't spread gossip--it could put them in danger.
  • Don't try to make them do anything they don't want to (it won't work unless it's their decision).
  • Encourage them to build a wide support system-- go to a support group, talk to friends and family.
  • Don't blame them for the abuse or their decisions; leaving an abusive relationship is hard and usually takes a long time.
  • See if they need medical attention--they may not realize the extent of their injuries.
  • Give them good information about abuse--you can call your local crisis line and get information about the impact of abuse on them and their children.
  • Tell them that domestic violence is a crime and they can call 911 for help. If it's not safe to call from home, help them find a  safe place.
  • Help them develop a safety plan for the time they stay as well as the time when they leave.
  • Listen. Let them express all their fears and feelings. Even giving them good advice in a kind and respectful manner can be received as pressure and/or a reminder of everything they is not doing "right."
  • Give them time. They need time to make their own decisions. 
  • Don't blame or attack the abuser. 
  • Be patient. Their self-empowerment may take longer than you want. Go at the victim's pace, not yours.
  • Ask them about the children. Encourage them to talk about the effect the abuse is having on them. Validate those concerns. 
  • Don't give up. Let them know you will always be there for them when they may need help or just need someone to talk to.
Adapted from Women's Rural Advocacy Program. 

  

Power and Control

Abusers use various tactics to gain power and control such as the following:

  • DOMINANCE – Abusive individuals need to feel they are in total control of the relationship. They insist on making all family decisions, regardless of how it affects the victim. They expect all persons in the situation to obey their wishes without question. Often they are found to treat the victim like possessions.
  • HUMILIATION – Abusers do everything they can to make the victim feel bad about themselves. Weapons such as personal insults, name-calling, shaming, and putting victim down in public are used as means to erode self-esteem and make the victim feel powerless. If the victim believes they are worthless they are less likely to leave the situation.
  • ISOLATION – In order to be in complete control of the victim, the abuser wants to increase the victim’s dependency on them. Tactics commonly used are cutting victim off from outside world, keeping the victim from family and friends, preventing the victim from working or attending school, social events or family outings, or making victim ask permission to do anything, go anywhere or see anyone.
  • THREATS – Threats are a basic tactic all abusers use. Threats come in various forms including the following..
    •  they will kill the victim/pet/or a member of the family
    • they will commit suicide
    • they will turn the victim into children’s services
    • file false reports to the police or court, state
    •  they will contact the children’s school and bar the victim from picking up children
  • INTIMIDATION – The message “if you don’t obey, there will be negative consequences” is intimidation.  Intimidation may include
    •  looking at the victim in a threatening way
    •  making threatening or demeaning gestures
    •  hurting pets
    • destroying victim’s personal things
    • breaking things in front of victim
    • showing no concern if victim is ill or needs medical attention
    • displaying weapons
  • DENIAL and BLAME –  Abusers blame their behavior on the victim, bad childhood, bad day, peers at work or the children. Abusers commonly minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred, shifting the responsibility for their actions to the victim.
  • CHILDREN – Abusers use children in various ways. 
    • Making her feel guilty about the children
    • using children to relay messages
    • using visitation to harass her
    •  threatening to take the children away

IF YOU ARE NOT SAFE, ARE YOUR CHILDREN SAFE?


   Domestic abuse affects the entire family.  Even if they didn't see it, children know.  They can feel it.  They see the aftermath.  They remember the terror, the fear.  Abuse is learned.  Children raised in abusive homes are much more likely to be abused or perpetrators of abuse when they grow up.  And they're at higher risk of unhealthy lifestyles and behaviors.

Domestic Violence is not discriminatory. It occurs in all ages, genders, ethnic backgrounds, financial levels and partner choice.




What is Elder Abuse?

   In general, elder abuse refers to
intentional or neglectful acts by a
caregiver or “trusted” individual that
lead to, or may lead to, harm of a
vulnerable elder. Physical abuse;
neglect; emotional or psychological
abuse; verbal abuse and threats;
financial abuse and exploitation;
sexual abuse; and abandonment
are considered forms of elder abuse.
In many states, self‐neglect is also
considered mistreatment.

If you suspect elder abuse, neglect, or exploitation, use the state telephone reporting numbers in the attached link below or call. 


 Or call the Eldercare Locator at
1-800-677-1116.  If someone is in immediate danger, call 911 or the local police for immediate help.





Kansas Attorney General Derek Schmidt
Memorial Hall, 2nd Floor
120 SW 10th Street
Topeka, KS 66612
(785) 296-2215
1-888-428-8436
(785) 296-6296 fax
Common Myths



Common Myths about Domestic Violence

MYTH: Why should I get involved in the problem–isn’t it just a family matter?
TRUTH: Domestic violence is not just a family problem, it is a crime

MYTH: It can’t really be that bad.
TRUTH: Domestic violence is that bad. It is the single most common source of injury to women, more common than automobile accidents, muggings, and rape by a stranger combined. It increases in severity and frequency over time. It is estimated that over 2 million American women are beaten in their homes each year. It is a crime.

MYTH: That doesn’t happen in my neighborhood.
TRUTH: Domestic violence occurs among all races, ages, religions and socio-economic levels. No state, no city, no community, no neighborhood, or friend is immune.

MYTH: The victim must be provoking the abuser.
TRUTH: She/he is a victim and is not to blame. No one deserves to be beaten. The abuser chooses to abuse her/him to maintain power and control in the relationship.

MYTH: If it’s so bad, why doesn’t the victim just leave?
TRUTH: Any relationship can be difficult to end. She/He may be financially dependent or have limited job skills. Religious, cultural or family pressures may keep the victim in a marriage. The victim may have tried to leave and the abuser stopped her/him; The abuser may have threatened to take the children from her/him, or harm her/him more if she/he leaves. Over 75 percent of women are killed after they leave an abusive partner.

MYTH: I know the abuser—they couldn’t be violent.
TRUTH: Many abusers are not violent in other relationships. They even can appear ‘charming’ to outsiders. However, this does not indicate the kind of person he is behind closed doors. Believe the victim.

MYTH: The abuser has a drinking problem. May be if they just got help for it, they’d stop abusing.
TRUTH: Alcohol and drug use many intensify violent behavior, but it does not cause battering. Abusers are abusive with and without alcohol or drugs. Abusers want all the power and control in the relationship and that is their motivation; not the substances they use or abuse.

MYTH: If the victim wanted my help, they would ask for it.
TRUTH: Your friend may not feel comfortable revealing their situation to you. They may be embarrassed or humiliated.

MYTH: The victim seems distant. I don’t know if we’re still friends.
TRUTH: Victims in violent homes are often isolated from friends and family by their abusers. The abuser wants total control and does not want the victim talking to others. It is important to continue to reach out and let them know you care.

Adapted from the National Woman Abuse Prevention program.

If you are considering a 
Protection Order for Abuse (PFA). 
Please refer to the link below for more information.


or a
Protection Order from Stalking(PFS).



Options Domestic and Sexual Violence Services
403 E. 23rd Street
PO Box 284 
Hays, KS  67601

1-785-625-3055
1-800-794-4624

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