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Cycle of Violence

Domestic Violence incidences often escalate from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence and even death. While physical injury may be the most obvious danger, emotional and psychological consequences over a period of time can be equally detrimental to the victim.

The abuser’s tactics of apologies and loving gestures in between violent episodes make it extremely difficult to leave the situation. Abusers use tactics to make the victim believe no one else would want them and the abuser is the only one that can help them. Abusers are skilled at making the victim think things will change, the abuse will discontinue, and they truly love the victim. However, they choose to be abusive and staying in the situation creates real dangers for the victim.

NO ONE deserves to be abused. The first step to freedom is recognizing the abuse in your situation and breaking away from the abuser. Once the victim acknowledges they are in an abusive situation, help is readily available; contact 1-800-794-4624 in Kansas and 785-625-3055 out of Kansas.

Domestic violence situations often fall into a pattern or cycle (please note that not all abusive situations follow this pattern):

  • HONEYMOON or NORMAL PHASE – Good times are had by all in the situation. The abuser charms the victim into thinking all is well and the abuser “loves” everything about the victim. This is a period of gifts and fun.
  • FANTASY AND PLANNING PHASE – The abuser feels the need for more control of the victim then fantasizes about abusing the victim and plans the tactics that will be used. The victim is oblivious to this phase.
  • SET-UP – The abuser sets up the victim by putting the plan in motion and creates a situation where there will be justification for the abuse. The victim is oblivious to this phase.
  • ABUSE – The abuser lashes out with a violent or aggressive episode and consciously uses it as a power-play designed to show the victim who is “BOSS”.
  • GUILT – The abuser feels guilt after the episode, not because of feeling remorse for what happened to victim, but over the possibility of getting caught for their actions and facing the consequences for the violent behavior.
  • RATIONALIZATION or EXCUSES – At this point the abuser works to shift all blame for the episode to the victim for their abusive behavior. They use anything and everything to shift responsibility from themselves.
  • Return to Honeymoon or Normal Phase

Example of an abusive episode:

The abuser creates an episode of ABUSE. After the violence or aggressive episode, the abuser then experiences self-directed GUILT by stating they are “sorry for hurting the victim.” What they do not say is “I’m sorry, because I might get caught being violent.” The abuser then RATIONALIZES the violent behavior by accusing the victim of having an affair. They might say something like “if you weren’t so worthless and weren’t sleeping around I wouldn’t have to hurt you.” The abuser then acts CONTRITE and states they will stop and never hurt the victim again. After this phase the abuser FANTASIZES and reflects on the rush received from having control over the victim and what tactic will be used to hurt the victim again. The abuser PLANS on having the victim go to the grocery store, but withholds the information that the victim is expected to get the shopping done by a certain time. Due to a slow sales clerk or being stopped in traffic the victim does not meet the unknown time limit the abuser has set. The abuser now feels completely justified in assaulting and BLAMING the victim for the abuse. Unknowingly the victim has just been SET-UP.

If this resembles any pattern in your life, you are in an abusive situation. Please seek help immediately.