Abuser’s Choice

Domestic Violence is not due to an individual’s loss of control over their behavior in fact; it is a deliberate choice made by the individual to gain control over his partner or family.

Reasons why an abuser’s behaviors are not about anger and rage, but are tactics to gain control:

• Abuser does not batter other individuals – the boss who does not give him time off or a raise, the sales clerk who did not give value he expected on purchases, banker who would not remove the extra charges on the checking account, etc. He chooses to batter the person he supposedly loves and has gained control of.
• During an abusive incident, when the phone rings, friends show up unexpected, or the police come to the door the abuser immediately calms down and looks calm cool, and collected. Often the victim is the one who looks hysterical, because they cannot shut down their emotions as rapidly as the abuser. If the abuser, were totally “out of control, angry, or in a rage” they would not be able to stop themselves when it is to their advantage to do so.
• An abuser who uses verbal or emotional violence would not be able to limit his demeaning speech to a time when no on e but the victim will hear it.
• An abuser who uses physical force escalates from shoving or pushing to hitting the victim in places where the bruises and marks do not show. If they were totally “out of control, angry, or in a rage” they would not be able to direct or limit where the kicks, hits or punches land.